"ET? Is that you?"

A funny thing happened on my way to writing a positive review of War of the Worlds. I decided it’s really not all that great.

I’d been planning to praise its scary aliens, nifty effects and tension-filled action scenes. Yeah, it’s got those. I intended to laud Tom Cruise for an effective performance in a non-traditional hero role. Yes, he’s pretty good.

War of the Worlds is not a bad movie. On a lot of levels it’s very good. But when it’s Steven Spielberg, who can do great; when I just reviewed Batman Begins, which is great; when the filmmakers have classic source material and the license to do with it what they will; when it has a budget in the ballpark of ultra-ginormous and all the considerable resources of Hollywood behind it . . . I want better than very good. I want inspired.

Backing up a bit: the movie is based on the novel by H.G. Wells about a Martian invasion. This time around the action is transplanted to New Jersey and we don’t know where the invaders come from. We meet Ray Ferrier (Cruise) a dockworker about to spend a weekend with his unenthusiastic kids, surly teen Robbie (Justin Chatwin) and Rachel (Dakota Fanning) who’s still young enough to want to love him. When the invasion happens, will Ray be ready to step up to the plate and save his children?

What the movie has going for it is considerable. The early scenes of invasion build ominously and chillingly until the tension breaks in a firestorm of destruction. The alien ships and the aliens themselves are creepy. The action scenes are well done and relentless and genuinely scary. Thematically, the movie’s premise that enemies whose motives and methods we don’t understand might be hidden right under our noses and ready to attack at any moment, kind of hits home about now.

Is that all you got? I've seen worse traffic jams on football Saturdays in Ann Arbor.

On a gut level, I enjoyed War of the Worlds while I was watching it, though I had to shush my brain at times. But it’s been a few days now and my brain will no longer be silenced. So, brain, what’s your deal?

Well, there are the plot problems for one. Why does the first attack neutralize all the cars, but after another attack the car is fine? Why do the aliens vaporize people sometimes – a really cool and scary effect, by the way – and suck out their blood through a giant straw at others, only to shift tactics again later and scoop everyone up in a net to deal with inside the ship?  How did Cruise’s mechanic friend fail to notice a giant, multi-story alien tripod raining destruction down upon the neighborhood? Things like that.

Then, well . . . okay, this is hard. I love Spielberg. But he’s starting to become the uncle who pulls a quarter out of your ear every time you see him. I can see his tricks coming a mile away. The ripple of water that precedes the arrival of something big and ugly. The silent game of hide-and-seek with a deadly predator. Are these directorial trademarks, or is he simply ripping himself off? Then there’s the ending that’s happier than it needs to be and cheapens the harrowing journey the characters have just gone through.

Tom Cruise, gazing at the tiny picture of Katie Holmes he has taped to his palm.

On the plus side, it really is a thrill-a-minute kind of movie, and fun to watch. And Cruise’s character is kind of a twist for a big summer spectacle movie, a dislikable guy, and pretty ordinary. He’s a lousy father even if you leave out the hints of violence towards his son. He’s no kind of hero. When the zapping starts he is way out of his league. Where a conventional Cruise character might go all commando, Ray gets the hell out of Dodge. There’s more flight than fight for this guy, and he doesn’t always make the smart decision either. It’s an interesting character for Cruise and he pulls it off well.

So this has been kind of a schizophrenic review. My gut gives it a three for its roller-coaster thrills. My brain gives it a one for its hit-and-miss script. I’ll average it out to a two. It is what it is: a fun ride, with not much more to it than that.

Gorilla Pants rating: 2 out of 4 bananas