How cool is L.L. Cool J? Dude doesn't even need to aim.

So what does SWAT stand for?

A. Special Weapons and Tactics
B. Solid Work in Action Type-movie
C. Silly While Actors Talking

Well, really, you can take your pick.

SWAT is the latest installment in two movie trends: the 1970s TV show remake and the generic action picture. I’ve never seen the TV show so I can’t judge how it stacks up there, but as an action movie SWAT is competent but forgettable.

The movie opens with a tense hostage situation. (Is there any other kind?) A SWAT officer with the manly name of Jim Street (Colin Farrell) and his standard-issue loose cannon partner Gamble (Gamble! Ha! Get it?) are ordered to stand-by. Gamble goes in anyway, the situation goes slightly south and he’s kicked off the force while Street accepts a menial desk job.

Completely non-gratuitous shirtless shot of L.L. Cool J. Really.

Enter Samuel L. Jackson as Hondo, a veteran officer (Only two weeks from retirement! Heh, just kidding.) brought in to assemble and lead an “old-school SWAT” team, which means they have no problem slapping perps around a little before or after making an arrest. He recruits a handful of macho men and one (gasp!) woman, trains them, tests them and then finally, about halfway through the movie, they get a story, or at least a mission.

French gangster Alex Montel (Olivier Martinez, and I have to be shallow here just for a moment and say “yum”) has been arrested on a minor traffic violation. During the media frenzy that ensues, he shouts out an offer of big money to anyone who can break him out of jail. Turns out a lot of people want big money (who knew?) and are willing to take on the LAPD to get it. But they’re not counting on that old-school SWAT I mentioned earlier.

There are some things that work about the movie, chiefly the final act. The team’s attempts to track and recapture Montel feel like a movie unto themselves, and a nicely paced, suspenseful one at that. I also liked first-time feature director Clark Johnson’s realistic action scenes. After watching Charlie’s Angels swoop and spin like super-heroes, it was refreshing to see a movie where people simply run around and shoot guns. Johnson brings his camera right into the thick of the action and keeps it moving, and there’s a grainy, handheld feel to it that heightens the sense of immediacy.

Not even J can pull off the helmet head.

What doesn’t work is the script. (I’m getting so tired of writing that about every movie I see.) The dialogue is laughably trite, particularly when spouted by stock characters like Uptight Police Captain and Cocky Hot Shot. And the movie is oddly structured, as though it were cobbled together from several distinctly different script drafts. A lot of time is devoted to creating an unnecessary, false conflict about whether or not Uptight Police Captain will let Street back on the . . . street. After belaboring this point, the screenwriters wrap it up in the most undramatic way possible and move on to what could have been an interesting training sequence that gets cut way too short. In one scene the team is doing badly, in the next they’re perfect. I wanted to see them actually learning something. Too much to ask, maybe, from a summer action movie.

Far better to spend the movie’s time on clichés plucked from the cop-show dialogue grab bag, or show yet another plate glass window being shattered. It’s the formula, what do you expect? If you go, you know what you’re getting into. Just know that you’re only encouraging them to make ChiPs, the Movie. I tried to warn you.

Gorilla Pants rating: 1 out of 4 bananas