"We wouldn't be in this mess if you'd just sent Sauron a nice fruit basket like I suggested."

"It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? . . .   Those were the stories that stayed with you."

It's over. I don't think that's really sunk in yet. After six years of pre-production, shooting and post, it's over. After the early days of giddy speculations about casting, the obsessive rumination over every rumor, the greedy search for any tidbit of news, it's over. All the quivery, breathless anticipation, the agonizing waits between films, have led to this. I've seen it all.

And oh, my friends, it's glorious. The Return of the King left me breathless and misty-eyed, broke my heart then put it back together and sent it soaring over the mountains of Middle Earth, thrilled, frightened and inspired me, and was the fastest three hours and twenty minutes I've ever spent awake. It's the closest thing to perfection you'll ever see on a movie screen. Filmic nirvana. The cinematic equivalent, for me, of eating Ben and Jerry's cookie dough ice cream while listening to my favorite song and having my feet rubbed. By Johnny Depp.

There's nothing worse for a Hobbit than watching somebody else eat.

Sigh. Huh? Sorry, where was I?

Okay, so you've seen the first two, right? (If not, catch up with my reviews for The Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers.) This time around, Frodo and Sam are still on their way to Mount Doom to destroy the Ring, guided by the treacherous Gollum, who hints, in frequent conversations with himself, at a particularly nasty plan he has for them. After the good guys' triumph at Helm's Deep in The Two Towers, Gandalf and Pippin take off for Gondor to warn its Steward, Denethor, about the coming danger. King-in-waiting Aragorn has to deal with the unrequited love of warrior-chick Eowyn before traveling a far more dangerous path to the kingdom he hopes to rule. (Legolas the Elf and Gimli the Dwarf come along too, but this really isn't their movie.) Let's see, who am I forgetting? Oh yeah, Merry rides into battle with King Theoden and the Rohirrim. (Does all this sound like gobbledy-gook to you? Then go see the movies and get up to speed!)

"I wish my brother Boromir was here."

But the story could inspire a multitude of dissertations in itself. (And in fact has.) Thank J.R.R. Tolkien for its richness, and screenwriters Peter Jackson, Fran Walsh and Philippa Boyens for translating it so lovingly for the screen. They've made changes along the way, some of which I still question. (Couldn't Aragorn have looked into the Palantir on purpose, like he did in the book? Much more kingly than bobbling it after Pippin tosses it to him. And where is the House of Healing? And the Mouth of Sauron? And they cut my favorite line from the end! And, and . . .) But the meat of the story is still there, the heft and weightiness of it, the meaning, the spirit. You know what they always say when a book is adapted for the screen: the book is better? I honestly don't know if I can say that here. The book is different, and wonderful. But the movie is just as good. Just. As. Good. Think about that, because it never happens.

"When I'm king I'll have someone to saddle my horse for me. And I'll be able to stay up as late as I want."

I've raved before about the look of these movies but I just have to do it again. Director Jackson and his group of movie magicians have created an entire world, populated it with all manner of creatures and it's absolutely breathtaking. So real, so detailed, so varied are their creations that they completely suck you in. Outside the theater I can marvel at the hard work, imagination and technical expertise that made it all possible; sitting in my seat I simply believed that the world I saw on screen existed. I've read the books several times and had my own ideas about how things should look but I can say that I was never disappointed with the filmmakers' versions. From the soaring towers of Minas Tirith to the dank passages of Cirith Ungol, from the imposing presence of the Witch King of Angmar to the gigugly** spider Shelob, their inventions amazed, delighted and terrified. Shelob in particular is one of the creepiest things you'll ever see on screen or, hopefully, off. And the action scenes, which actually grew a little wearing in The Two Towers, are thrilling here, expertly staged and fraught with desperation.

And it's not just pretty pictures. Jackson has a vision, deep and true, and every shot contributes to it. Here again he uses the Ring to its best advantage, letting it symbolize the corruption that is threatening to overrun the world. Each glance between characters deepens their relationships, each moment builds on the last.

"This little light of mine. I'm gonna let it shine. Then I'll stab you with my sword."

The actors are perfectly cast and brilliant, every last one of them. Who to single out for praise? Like his character, Viggo Mortensen really comes into his own with this film, embodying Aragorn's kingly presence as well as his doubts and inner conflicts. Miranda Otto is brilliant as Eowyn, fierce and tragic and noble. A new favorite is David Wenham who, as Faramir the Underappreciated, combines classic action hero with modern family angst. Andy Serkis provides the voice and body language for the computer-animated Gollum, as well as appearing on-screen in a prologue depicting his tragic history, and his performance throughout is compelling, evoking pity and revulsion. Then there's Elijah Wood's beleaguered Frodo, Billy Boyd's disillusioned Pippin, Ian McKellen's wise and authoritative Gandalf, Bernard Hill's regal but still touchingly human King Theoden. Each performance is a jewel in a magnificent crown.

But the heart and soul of it all is Sean Astin as Frodo's devoted servant Sam, a character who embodies Tolkien's theme that the smallest and most unassuming of us are capable of remarkable courage and sacrifice when pressed. Astin's performance is incredibly heartfelt and moving and subtle, but he's not afraid to bring out the big emotional guns when they're needed either. He, of all the cast, deserves to be recognized on any and all of the upcoming awards nights.

Arwen Undomiel, the Evenstar of her people. So beautiful. So ethereal. I could just puke.

With all my gushing I still don't feel like I've conveyed to you the sheer power and beauty and joy of this movie. I'm sorry for that. You'll just have to see it for yourself. I will say this: I am so grateful. Grateful to New Line Cinema for taking the enormous risk involved in making these films and making them right. Grateful to Peter Jackson and his brilliant cast and crew for bringing these beloved books to life with such spirit and passion. Grateful to the legions of moviegoers who have embraced them. Grateful to all of you for reading my fan-girl ramblings. (Damn, I feel like a sloppy drunk at the end of the night. I love you guys!)

But I'm still sorry it's over.

** Gigantic + ugly = gigugly. It's a hot new word! Use it today; impress your friends and confuse your enemies!

Gorilla Pants rating: 4 out of 4 bananas + 2 for an unprecedented 6 bananas!