Look at them. Laughing. Having fun. While the audience is suffering so. For shame.

It’s not like I expected My Boss’s Daughter to be a good movie. I just had no idea how stunningly awful it would turn out to be. I sat in the theater, completely gob-smacked by the enormity of its badness, unable to process the fact that I was actually seeing a movie so devoid of humor, logic or warmth. This is either the least funny comedy I’ve ever seen, or a curious kind of drama gone horribly awry. It’s so dreadful I feel like I owe Dumb and Dumberer an apology.

The movie stars Ashton Kutcher as Tom, a frustrated nice guy who works at a Chicago publishing house. Jonesing both for a promotion and his boss’s daughter (Tara Reid), Tom gets suckered into house-sitting for his scarily meticulous boss (Terence Stamp) and caring for the man's cherished owl.

It’s made perfectly clear that nobody’s supposed to come into the house, so you can guess what happens. A fired secretary stops by to beg for her job. A bunch of her friends appear out of nowhere to raid the kitchen and open beer bottles on the counter. I bang my head against the back of my seat in a vain attempt to knock myself out. The owl escapes. A drug dealer shows up and urinates all over the living room. I fervently wish for a theater fire.

It’s hard to imagine what director David Zucker (yes, Airplane’s David Zucker) and screenwriter David Dorfman thought were the funny parts of the juvenile script. Was it the ten-years-past-their-prime O.J. Simpson jokes? The guy who inexplicably starts eating everything he touches? Or maybe it was the woman with a bleeding head wound who complains that the only man who’s ever been attracted to her is a trucker who tried to rape her. I swear I’m not making this up, and I wish Dorfman hadn’t either.

Oh, the wackiness.

The filmmakers were too lazy to even make an attempt at logic. Reid’s character hangs out in her room, oblivious to the sounds of furniture breaking in the hall. A bag of trash on the roof bursts open, raining its contents down on a character’s head only to be intact and full a second later when the whole thing lands on him. Of course, the movie did sit on the shelf for nearly a year, so maybe the parts that would have helped it make sense were eaten by mice.

Worse, they can’t seem to decide what kind of bad comedy they’re trying to make. There are some mild attempts at American Pie-style gross-out humor, but they have no punch. Some lines of profanity were clearly dubbed out while at other times they just let it fly. Every now and then Zucker tries to inject a moment of Airplane-esque off-the-wall humor, but that’s kind of an all-or-nothing deal; if you’re not going to do it consistently, why bother?

My Boss's Daughter is so bad it came close to putting me off movies forever. (Don’t worry, I’m feeling better.) It’s easy to see why the studio was reluctant to release it. What’s hard to understand is why it ever got made in the first place.

Gorilla Pants rating: 0 out of 4 bananas