Ann and Kong on their way to their first date at the movies, where you just know they'll sit right in front of me.

Just in time for Christmas, director Peter Jackson delivers a pretty package with a really cool gift inside. His high-tech/retro remake of King Kong is a Swiss Army knife of a movie: a gorgeous and artful visual masterpiece, a thrilling, action-packed adventure and a moving and heartfelt character study all conveniently packaged into one film. Talk about getting your money’s worth! (And then some, but we’ll get to that in a minute.)

The movie opens in Depression-era New York City, where vaudeville-comedienne Ann Darrow (Naomi Watts) is playing to sparse audiences and wondering where her next meal will come from. Enter shifty-eyed filmmaker Carl Denham (Jack Black) who offers Ann the chance to be in his next movie, an ever-evolving production that he plans to shoot in a remote, exotic locale. Seems Carl has come into possession of a map to a mysterious South Seas island, a place shrouded in fog and mystery, known as Skull Island. Sometimes when places have ominous names there’s a reason, as the film crew and the sailors who brought them soon find out. Skull Island is home to natives just itching for a sacrifice, and a whole bunch of gigantic, deadly animals. The natives kidnap Ann, set her out, and call Kong for dinner.

'Why does she always smell like bananas?'

It’s tempting to say that this is where the movie really gets going, but that’s not really true. It takes over an hour for the movie to get to Kong, which is too long, but only a little. The set-up invests us in Ann’s character, builds suspense and is also just plain entertaining. It also allows us to get to know the Kong-fodder before some of them get squished, including Jamie Bell as a young stowaway-turned-seaman, Evan Dexter Parke as the fatherly first mate who took him under his wing, and Andy Serkis as the salty, scruffy ship’s cook.

After the first act’s slow-but-steady build the action explodes with Ann’s abduction, leading to some of the most thrilling scenes I’ve ever seen. It’s a small moment, but I particularly like the turbulent paw-cam that lets us feel how dizzying it would be in the hands of a giant, loping ape. The rescue party that sets out after Ann encounters their fair share of beasties, including some gigugly slugs, but the best stuff is saved for Ann and Kong, who encounter a pack of hungry tyrannosaurs. Jackson and crew pull out all the stops for this sequence, coming up with a vast and inventive array of ways to get Ann in and out of danger. It’s nothing short of brilliant and this alone is worth the price of admission.

"Okay, maybe we should only shoot him from the waist up."

The middle section of the movie also provides the film’s emotional core. In contrast to previous Kong leading ladies, this Ann is more heroine than damsel in distress. She keeps her wits about her and manages to befriend the giant ape, who obviously has never inspired anything but terror before and now finds himself experiencing the unfamiliar emotions of affection and devotion.  And yes, you can tell. Kong may be computer-generated, but he was created in the same way as Gollum from the Lord of the Rings movies, with Andy Serkis again providing the ape’s actions, which were captured digitally and animated over by the special effects crew. The result is a remarkably lifelike character with unmistakable traces of humanity in his expressive eyes.

Adrien Brody never stands a chance. Playing Ann’s human love-interest and unlikely action hero, he does as good a job as can be expected but their relationship never gels the way Ann and Kong’s does. (Which isn’t to imply a cross-species romantic attraction; it’s more like the affection between a person and her pet. Like, if my cat were 25 feet tall I’m sure he’d protect me from a T-Rex. Really.)

Well that looks ominous. Maybe they should have gone to Candy Apple Island instead.

The third act is where the movie loses points. His film destroyed, the tenacious Denham decides to recoup his losses by capturing Kong and bringing him back to New York where he’s sure to draw a crowd. Kong inevitably breaks loose, leading to one too many chase scenes and the traditional climax atop the Empire State Building. This sequence is meant to showcase the devotion between Ann and Kong. And it does. Ad nauseum. It’s not that the movie has three endings, it’s that it has the same ending three times, each more drawn-out than the last. I like the close-ups and meaningful gazes, really, it’s just, well, I GET it already, can we please move on?

A word about the visuals. The showiest among them, of course, are Kong and his fellow island creatures, all convincingly brought to life. But it’s the images of Depression-era New York that really stick with me. They have a stylized, color-washed look that’s absolutely gorgeous and really serve to place the movie in a nostalgia-drenched context that heightens its romance and other-worldliness.

Kyle Chandler, really wishing he'd read the paper that morning. (Extra geek points if you actually get that joke!)

The performances are a mixed bag. Watts is fantastic, Brody okay, Black not quite right for the role, I think. He does well with Carl-as-huckster, but can’t quite pull off the more dramatic moments.

So the movie could have definitely been shorter and the casting a bit more shrewd, but overall I think Jackson and crew get lots more right than wrong. With its big heart and even bigger thrills, King Kong rules.

Gorilla Pants rating: 3 out of 4 bananas