"Can I have a Quarter Pounder? No? How about a Royale with Cheese?"

Watching Kill Bill Volume 1 is like watching a really good fireworks display. You can admire the technique, the artistry and the spectacle of it, but there's really not a whole lot to get worked up about. No plot to speak of, very little character development. It doesn't inspire an emotional reaction so much as mild curiosity, more along the lines of, "Huh. So that's what it would look like if Vivica Fox bashed Uma Thurman with a frying pan."

Okay, yes, there is a "story." It's about The Bride, a member of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad. On her wedding day, her colleagues and boss (Bill!) kill the entire wedding party, including, they think, the pregnant bride. But she survives, comatose, and wakes up four years later, at which point she immediately sets out to rain vengeance down upon the people who done her wrong. But this is more a framework than a plot, a hook on which to hang knife fights and beatings and one whopping long kung fu/samurai sword/Uma-against-the-heavily-armed-world action sequence.

What Kill Bill has in place of story is style and plenty of it. Writer/director Quentin Tarantino has crafted a fervent homage to B and C grade action movies and infused it with passion and glee and a kind of breathtaking beauty. Tarantino has really matured as a director, and has filled the movie with stunning visuals, artfully rendered settings and action scenes that are vibrant and exciting, at least up until a point. On that note . . .

The audience fled in terror as Uma vowed to trim ten minutes out of the fight scene.

Annoying Thing About Kill Bill (ATAKB) #1: How much action does one movie need anyway? Yes, the fight scenes are cool, clever and well shot, but come on. Too much of a good thing and it stops being a good thing.

So, the style. This movie is all about the techniques, and Tarantino bounces from one to another like a hyperactive kid hopped up on Pixie Stix. Slow motion, fast motion, black and white, over-saturated color, exaggerated sound effects, and his trademark eclectic soundtrack. (Which brings me to ATAKB #2: the Screaming Siren of Vengeance. Was that music? 'Cuz I don't think so.) I'll hand it to the guy: for the most part it worked, giving the movie a fun, dynamic feel. And the final sequence, set in a Tokyo nightclub, is absolutely gorgeous, even after the blood geysers start erupting, turning the whole thing into a Jackson Pollack meets Jeffrey Dahmer tableaux.

Unfortunately, while Tarantino's direction has improved, his writing has taken a downturn. I still like his time-shifting structure; there's something intriguing about picking up a story in the middle, then flashing back to see where it began and forward to see how it turns out. But while I'd always considered dialogue to be Tarantino's biggest strength, here it feels dull and uninspired. Maybe the Bride just needs a sidekick to talk to.

Gym class in Japanese private school is much more strenuous than it is here.

And here's ATAKB #3: Quentin, that word you're looking for, the one for what happens to someone's limbs when she's in a coma? It's atrophy. Not entropy. Atrophy. Minus five for vocabulary.

Finally, I have to come back once more to the lack of story. Is this going to bother you? If not, fine. That's a personal choice. But me it bothered. Call me crazy, but I'd like a little intrigue, a little emotion, a heroine whose fate is in question or maybe has a struggle that's at least partially internal. Barring that, well, look at it this way: Why should we root for the Bride? Is she any better than the people she's killing? She's a Deadly Viper Assassin too, after all. Frankly, Lucy Liu could have kicked Uma's ass for all I care.

I'm not saying this is a bad movie or that Tarantino has somehow failed as a filmmaker. I'm sure Kill Bill is exactly what he wanted it to be. He didn't forget to put the story in; he just didn't care about it. But you need to know what you're getting into. When it comes to Kill Bill, go for the spectacle, stay for . . . more spectacle. Because that's all there is, my friend, that's all there is.

Oh, and before I go, ATAKB #4: It's being promoted with, and in fact opens with the title, "The fourth film by Quentin Tarantino." Dude, who cares? Just make the damn movie and stop counting, will ya? Sheesh.

Gorilla Pants rating: 2.5 out of 4 bananas