Don't look so scared, guys. The laws of physics prevent the audience from jumping into the movie and smacking you. Not that we wouldn't like to.

Wedding vows say something about for better or for worse. Unfortunately, both the characters in and the audience watching Just Married are in for a whole lot of worse before things get better.

The movie stars Ashton Kutcher and Brittany Murphy as Tom and Sarah, an excessively cute young couple who decide to get married. Since Sarah's family is rich and in a movie, they aren't too crazy about the idea of her marrying the middle-class Tom. But those crazy kids tie the knot anyway and set off on their dream honeymoon in Europe which soon turns into a nightmare, mostly due to Tom's ugly-American stupidity. First they destroy a castle, then their stumpy little rental car gets wrecked and pretty soon it's all, like, "Dude, where's my wife?"

Just Married has some funny moments. Kutcher and Murphy have a knack for the sitcom-style hijinks served up in Sam Harper's script and enough chemistry to pull off the cutesy-pie scenes. The movie kind of works when it's concentrating on their evolving relationship. Points to the filmmakers for focusing on the stuff that happens after most romantic comedies end: the hard parts of starting a life together. There was a clever and believable pattern of little irritations followed by quick forgiveness followed by bigger irritations and slower forgiveness that felt a lot like a real marriage, and their constantly frustrated attempts to consummate their honeymoon made for an amusing running gag.

But the moments that are funny because they ring true are too few and interspersed with lame, romantic comedy clichés (Scheming ex-boyfriend, anyone? How about a slacker roommate?) and uninspired slapstick, including a staggering number of people getting smacked in the face with whatever's at hand. When characters aren't having pain inflicted on them they're yelling or being yelled at, a sure sign that the screenwriter has run out of genuinely funny things for them to say or do.

Even worse, we're left with no real idea of who these two characters are and why it's so important for them to be together (except for the fact that they're such a gosh darn cute couple, of course.) There's nothing unique, memorable or even clearly portrayed about either of them so it's hard to care whether they stay married or not. Tom and Sarah may be Just Married, but it's not too late for you; my advice is to leave them at the altar.

Gorilla Pants rating: 1 out of 4 bananas