Whew, that was close. They almost hit something funny.

Combine all of writer/director/actor Kevin Smith's previous movies, shake well, strain out anything that's funny, meaningful or resembles a story, and you have Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, a relentless stream of bodily function humor and movie industry in-jokes, populated by the most cliched, stereotyped cast of idiotic characters this side of a Mad TV sketch. (See, I can make pop-culture references too. Where's my Miramax deal?)

For those of you who haven't been paying attention, Jay (Jason Mewes) and Silent Bob (Smith) are a couple of stoners who have appeared in all four of Smith's previous movies. To call them burnouts would imply that they ever had any potential to be burnt out of them, which doesn't seem to be the case.

The plot — and it doesn't feel quite right to call it that — concerns a movie that is being adapted from a comic book about two characters based on Jay and Silent Bob. The comic book, by the way, was created by two characters in Smith's film Chasing Amy, one of whom was played by Ben Affleck. When the boys visit him, he tells them that the movie is rumored to star . . . Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. And thus the post-modern, self-referential landslide begins. The boys learn about this thing we like to call the internet, and are shocked to discover that their characters are being trashed on a movie geek website where obsessive film fans exchange movie news and rumors, and voice their opinions in the most juvenile way possible. In just one example of the limp satire in the movie, the ugly, offensive website they visit isn't nearly as ugly or offensive as the real website being spoofed. They set off for Hollywood to put a stop to the movie and along the way get mixed up with international jewel thieves and an orangutan.

"Okay, plot, I know you're in there. Come out quietly and nobody gets hurt."

All this gives Smith the opportunity to spoof, let's see, there was The Fugitive, Entrapment, Scooby Doo, Good Will Hunting, Miramax movies in general, his own movies in particular, Scream . . . um, what am I forgetting? Oh, I think I saw a little Matrix in there, ET, of course, Star Wars, obviously (look at the title, people). It goes on and on. And on.

There's some mild entertainment value in counting the appearances by Smith's regular cast of characters, some in multiple roles. And Smith was able to round up a host of other celebrities for cameos as well, though most of them are pointless. Directors Wes Craven and Gus Van Sant both appear. (In fact, Smith liked his Gus Van Sant joke so much he used it twice. Oddly enough, it wasn't funny either time.) Jason Biggs, James Van Der Beek and Carrie Fisher all signed up, with less than amusing results. I am, however, enough of a Star Wars fan to appreciate the appearance by Mark Hamill, once again wielding a light saber.

What makes this movie so disappointing is the fact that it's the type of thing I could like. Industry in-jokes and movie spoofs are right up my alley. I think it's great that Smith can have Jason Lee playing his characters from both Mallrats and Chasing Amy in the same movie. I get the jokes. I just don't think they're particularly funny. Smith's satire never goes far enough to be really biting, and most of it's been done to death already anyway. He always goes for the easy joke, the quickest, most obvious parody. (How many times do we have to see characters ride across the moon on a bike? We get it already! Movie folks like ET! Could you please just let it go?)

"Look at all those people out there who don't have to be in this movie. Lucky bastards."

The rest of the humor centers around erections and oral sex, subjects most of us got over somewhere around junior high. Affleck and Damon are funny and prove that they have a healthy sense of humor about their own careers, but everything else is flat and uninspired. Oh, sorry, make that flatulent and uninspired.

I've enjoyed some of Smith's previous work, particularly Dogma and Chasing Amy, but Jay and Silent Bob have always been the most annoying elements in his movies. Watching an entire film about these two is like opening all your Christmas presents and finding only socks. There's just nothing to keep you interested. The conclusion I'm left with is that Kevin Smith gathered a huge cast and crew, got a nice big budget, spearheaded a major movie production, all so he could live out his childhood fantasy of having a light saber duel with Luke Skywalker. I, on the other hand, just paid seven bucks to see it. How dumb am I?

Would you like to see some of the actors from this movie under better circumstances? Check out this list of some of their films you may have missed.

Gorilla Pants rating: .5 out of 4 bananas