"Don't hog all the Kung Pao Chicken. You wouldn't like me if you hogged all the Kung Pao Chicken."

Damn Roger Ebert and his minion Roeper. I'd been all set to not see Hulk. Didn't interest me in the slightest. Then they raved about it on their TV show, talking up its psychological drama and creative use of a superhero story to illuminate a tale of fractured parent/child relationships. "Okay then," I thought, and off I went to buy a ticket.

And was reminded again that one critic's "emotionally compelling" is another's "wake me when it's over."

Here's the set-up: Bruce Banner (Eric Bana) is a Berkeley research scientist, working alongside his former girlfriend Betty Ross (Oscar-winner Jennifer Connelly). A lab accident exposes him to lethal doses of gamma rays. At least they would be lethal if Bruce hadn't been tinkered with on a genetic level by his mad-scientist daddy. Instead of killing him, the radiation unleashes the monster within and now when the repressed Bruce gets mad he turns into a huge green guy with miracle pants. The military wants to contain him, scientists want to study him and Betty, who broke up with Bruce because of his inability to express his feelings — ironic, ain't it? — wants to protect him.

Behold the brooding.

In the hands of director Ang Lee (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon) that sounds promising, and he does deliver parts of a really good film. Those parts, however, are wrapped in an over-thought, humorless script. It's almost as though Lee is afraid to be accused of slumming with commercial material and is intent on making it more dramatic and "serious" than it deserves to be.

Here's the thing: if arty filmmakers like Lee want to take on comic book material, that's fine with me; these stories are far more interesting in the hands of someone willing to take them beyond the "Biff! Pow!" realm so many seem content to relegate them to. But it's just as bad when directors refuse to have any fun with the material. Lee and screenwriter James Schamus turn in a maudlin story about uninteresting characters. We don't know enough about Bruce or Betty to care that much about their emotional pain, and the movie doesn't offer us anything else to think about.

Shrek has a bad day.

What's more, the movie is predictable. The painful, repressed secret from Bruce's past? Exactly what I expected it to be. There were few surprises, either in the plot or how it played out.

So what does work? Some of the action scenes are fun, particularly the Hulk's battle against three genetically enhanced dogs. The Hulk looks a lot better than you might think from seeing the previews. And Lee employs a unique visual style that mimics comic book pages, with the frame split into smaller areas of action. Unfortunately, there's a large, draggy stretch in the middle where he seems to have forgotten to apply this technique; a shame, because the movie really would have benefited from a little more style in this section.

There's a certain amount of critical Hulk-a-mania surrounding this film, and I really wish I could join in. But given its plodding pace and uninvolving characters, I'm going to have to dissent and say that the Angry Green Giant could use less angst and more excitement. So whom are you going to believe, me or the Pulitzer Prize-winning professional from Chicago? (Don't answer that!)

Gorilla Pants rating: 1.5 out of 4 bananas