"I wish Willow was here."

A lethal curse follows its victims around Tokyo like a very persistent, very angry puppy in the chilling but unsatisfying The Grudge.

A nurse caring for a catatonic American woman is the first to go. Her replacement is Karen, (Sarah Michelle Gellar) an expatriate American who’s having a hard time adjusting to Tokyo life. As if the unfamiliar grocery aisles weren’t enough to cope with, Karen will soon be facing vengeful spirits and trying to solve the mystery behind their relentless crankiness.

Here's the problem with The Grudge:

In the first moments of the movie, we learn through a title card — that most un-dramatic of expository devices — that when someone dies in a great rage, their spirit can linger and wreak vengeance upon the living. When the theme of the movie is spelled out on-screen before the movie even starts, the drama is shot. We know what the story is about; the rest is just plot mechanics.

Okay, that could still work, but the plot mechanics have to be stellar, the story must be tight, suspenseful, compelling. But The Grudge has no meat on its bones. We find out that a tragic murder occurred, but we learn only the barest details about both killer and victims. All Karen's Nancy Drew-like sleuthing amounts to little of interest because we aren't given reason to care.

"I wish Xena: Warrior Princess was here."

Sure, there's some creepy imagery and the sound effects are particularly chilling, but it doesn't build towards anything. The feeling that we're watching nothing more than a series of spooky vignettes is heightened by the spirits' vague motives and the inconsistency of their powers. Can the ghosts . . . yank you through a ceiling? Yes! Make it seem like fingers are growing out of your head? Sure, why not? Mess with your caller ID? Uh, okay. Why? Who cares! Director Takashi Shimizu (remaking his original Japanese film, from a script by Stephen Susco) doesn’t seem particularly interested in telling an actual story that makes sense. His focus on atmospherics would be fine except, well, the movie’s not really all THAT scary.

Adapting a Japanese horror movie worked splendidly in The Ring, but not all remakes are created equal. The Grudge was an almost total miss for me. I hope the ghosts don’t mind too much. They're not big on the forgive and forget.

Gorilla Pants rating: 1 out of 4 bananas