The Jacksons were troubled after skipping to the end of "Gone with the Wind" and realizing the South was going to lose.

I'm here to tell you about one of the most astounding feats in the history of motion pictures: I stayed awake through Gods and Generals. I'm quite proud of myself, because this movie is three hours and forty minutes of bloated, mind-numbing boredom. I didn't know they could make a movie this dull that wasn't French.

Written and directed by Ronald Maxwell, Gods and Generals is a prequel to his 1993 movie Gettysburg. This time around the action focuses on the outbreak of the Civil War and takes us up through the Battle of Chancellorsville, with plenty of stops along the way for speechifying. With all that to fit in is it any wonder Maxwell couldn't find room for pesky little things like drama?

The movie covers both sides of the conflict, though you get the feeling its heart lives and dies in Dixie. The star players are General Stonewall Jackson (Stephen Lang) for the Confederacy and Joshua Chamberlain (Jeff Daniels) for the Union, with a special guest appearance by Robert E. Lee, played by Robert Duvall. We see each of them in their pre-war lives, where they talk a lot about honor and patriotism. Then they give the speeches that illustrate why they chose which side to fight for. Then the war starts and they pontificate for about, oh, another 45 minutes. Then there's a battle. Another thirty minutes or so of talking. Another battle. Lather, rinse, repeat.

The Paper Doll Battallion proved to be a poor strategy for the Confederacy.

Yes, I know there's more to it than that, but I swear it didn't feel like it. The purists among you will praise the movie's authenticity and attention to period detail. Fine. I can respect and admire that; it doesn't mean this is a good movie. The Civil War buffs out there will revel in its examination of a crucial period in our history. I say they could have found a way to explore history and still tell their story well.

The trouble with Gods and Generals is that it plays like a textbook come to life. The script is written with all the earnestness of a junior high history pageant, which, by the way, is where many of the minor actors seem to have gotten their acting training. Then there are the musical numbers, and I only wish that were a joke. Who knew the Confederacy had dinner theater?

Hot new pop group Reb'L Boyz perform their hit "Girl, Don't Secede From My Heart."

Did I mention all the speeches? There must be twenty monologues in this movie. Robert Duvall and Jeff Daniels each have a couple, but poor Stephen Lang had the most lines to learn. All three do a fine job, I'll give them that. But come on; weren't they tired of the sound of their own voices? Someone needs to show Maxwell where the delete key is on his word processor. The only thing that kept me going was the knowledge that Jackson was going to die in the end (shut up, it's not a spoiler if you know your history) and since I was ready to shoot him myself I was kind of eager to see it.

In case I haven't made myself clear, I'm not recommending this movie unless you're a) a hardcore Civil War buff who doesn't need any sort of entertainment value in a movie; b) looking to explore new and interesting options in facial hair; or c) eager to see the longest visitor center movie ever. For the rest of you, spend the weekend catching up on your Oscar nominees, spending time with the family or organizing your sock drawer; just don't buy a ticket to this movie. It'll only encourage Ted Turner to make more.

Gorilla Pants rating: 0.5 out of 4 bananas