Preparing for the critical onslaught.

Picture the scene: It's Friday night. My husband and I are in line at the movies and we're in the mood for some campy, monstery fun. Reign of Fire or Eight Legged Freaks? Eight Legged Freaks or Reign of Fire? Hmmm.

Long story short, I passed up Christian Bale and dragons for David Arquette and giant spiders. What was I thinking?

It's not the giant spiders I object to, or even the David Arquette. My problem is I was hoping for a scary/funny movie and I really didn't get either. There's some creepiness, to be sure, and some laughs, but not enough of either to really make for a satisfying movie-going experience.

Here's the setup: A barrel of the kind of all-purpose toxic waste that makes such a convenient plot device in movies is dumped in a lake outside a small, Arizona town. Crickets mutate. As if mutated crickets aren't scary enough (they aren't), the crazy spider guy who lives nearby starts feeding them to his creepy collection of arachnids, and now it's their turn to mutate. It would be nice to think that they would merely bite people, turning them into super-powered web-slingers, but that's not what happens. They just grow really big and really hungry and start looking around for convenient food sources like cats, ostriches and people.

David Arquette and the world's biggest bong.

I'm willing to go along with all that. I enjoy a good mutated-monster movie, especially when you throw some humor into the mix. (As this list of five better monster movies will attest.) The premise is fine if you have the movie to back it up. I'm not asking for much. Some clever dialogue. Maybe some colorful characters. (Think of the wacky survivalists in Tremors or crazy old gator-loving Betty White in Lake Placid.) Oh, and I'd also like a few decent scares. And a plot that sticks to some internal logic.

Eight Legged Freaks tries. While more often than not the humor falls flat, there are a few funny moments, and a lot of jump-out-of-your-seat type scares. (I think I actually screamed once.) But it's also saddled with bland, forgettable characters, and people who make really stupid decisions even by horror movie standards. (Come on, you KNOW the spiders are in the mine. But that's okay, go on in anyway. Whatever.)

The new police dogs proved to be a real deterrent to crime.

The script is just . . . clumsy. Everything that's not special effects is exposition. (What's that you say, David? The mine tunnels are full of methane gas? Huh. Well, good to know, I guess.) Characters have little motivation for most of their actions and the plot is predictable, up to and including the end. (And by the way, it's ridiculous enough to see Tom Cruise or Harrison Ford out-running a fireball, but David Arquette?)

But the biggest problem with Eight Legged Freaks is it just can't decide on a tone. Is it funny/scary and exhilarating? Tries to be. Is it a light-hearted adventure? Little bit. An outrageous horror-movie spoof? Occasionally. It shifts its mood too often and too quickly to really be successful at any of them.

So you see where I'm going with this. Unless you're a die-hard fan of monster movies and can't bear to miss a mutated creature on-screen, I'd give Eight Legged Freaks a miss. After all, you can do better.

Gorilla Pants rating: 1.5 out of 4 bananas