Dantes soon grew weary of looking at bathroom tile samples with Abbe Faria.

The latest film version of the Alexandre Dumas novel seems like it should be really good. It’s got a great story — they don’t call it a classic for nothing, you know — terrific actors, the director of Waterworld . . .

Oh wait. That explains it.

The Count of Monte Cristo stars Jim Caviezel as Edmond Dantes, a naïve sailor from Marseilles. Edmond’s life is going great until his best friend, the wealthy and noble-born Fernand Mondego (Guy Pearce) steps in. Mondego is nursing a lifelong jealousy of Edmond, and so he conspires with a corrupt official to frame his friend for murder and treason. Edmond is sent away to the Chateau D’If, a remote island prison, where he spends years sleeping on a stone floor, subsisting on one scant bowl of soup a day and receiving his annual beating at the hands of the warden. You’ve got to hand it to the French. When they put a guy away, they really put him away.

"I would very much like to stab you now, so if you would please stand right there . . ."

Edmond’s luck changes one day when something comes burrowing out through the floor of his cell. I was kind of expecting to see Bugs Bunny emerge from the hole, muttering about taking a left turn at Albuquerque, but it turns out to be Richard Harris, who made a slight miscalculation while digging an escape tunnel. He takes Edmond under his wing, teaching him everything from philosophy to fencing while they make slow progress on the tunnel. These lessons will prove useful when it comes time for Edmond to wreak vengeance upon the men who imprisoned him.

I’ll admit that I’ve never read The Count of Monte Cristo, nor have I seen any of the other 14 movies or three television series that have been adapted from it. The story was new to me, and while it was old-fashioned melodrama, it was good old-fashioned melodrama. A fun yarn. I was interested in what happened to Edmond, outraged at the injustices and hardships he suffered and pleased by his triumphs. Why, then, did the movie seem like it was about five hours long? I found myself looking at my watch far more than is acceptable in an adventure movie, and I was always surprised at how little time had passed.

The blame lies partly with director Kevin Reynolds. His work here is uninspired and lackluster. The movie has little energy, no sense of suspense or of building towards its climax. The pacing is so steady and methodical I think he must have edited to a metronome. He has achieved quite a feat, though. Never have I seen so much story packed into a two-hour movie with such a slow tempo.

"Please stop looking up my nose."

The screenplay doesn’t help matters much. It’s strictly by-the-numbers, with little surprise or freshness to it. It’s the first feature for screenwriter Jay Wolpert, whose main experience before this was producing game shows like The Price is Right and Match Game. Which explains the underwater cavern full of fabulous prizes, and the climactic Showcase Showdown.

Jim Caviezel gives an excellent performance as Edmond. He takes him from an innocent and hopeful young man, to a hardened, cynical one and makes him believable and sympathetic all the way. On the other hand, Guy Pearce, usually so subtle and nuanced, sneers his way through his role as the cruel, arrogant Mondego. He’s all cheekbones and contempt, baby.

Ultimately, the biggest problem with The Count of Monte Cristo is that its long sections of downtime gave me too much time to think. Why didn’t the villains simply kill Edmond? Why was he still so healthy after his hard years in the Chateau D’If? Most importantly, why do movies about revenge spend so much time telling us that vengeance is wrong while still allowing their characters to exact and profit from that vengeance?

Gorilla Pants rating: 1.5 out of 4 bananas