"Hmmm. Julia's a bigger star, but you make me feel . . . tall."

Closer motivated me to do something I don’t normally do when I’m writing a review: seek out the filmmakers’ opinions about their own movie. I don’t usually bother because frankly, if I haven’t figured out their intentions during the two hours my butt was in the theater seat, then someone wasn’t doing their job. That was the case with Closer and I was a little afraid that the person not doing her job was me. Maybe I wasn’t paying enough attention. Maybe I just didn’t get it. Maybe I was too busy looking at Jude Law and Clive Owen . . . but no. I can ogle and think at the same time, really.

First, the details: Frumpy London obituary writer Jude Law falls for waifish stripper Natalie Portman, writes a novel, becomes less frumpy, meets photographer Julia Roberts and pursues her even after she’s hooked up with Clive Owen. Couples couple, uncouple and re-couple, everyone gets a monologue or two and at the end of the day you realize there is no love in the world but if we all have a lot of sex it will feel like love and that’s almost as good, right?

Sorry, am I bringing you down?

I’m trying to put my finger on exactly why Closer, despite having some really strong elements, didn’t quite gel for me. It’s not the fact that all of the characters ended up being pretty unlikable. Unlikable people can be interesting. It’s not the pensive, more bitter than sweet ending. Those are usually more intriguing than one with a neat little bow on it. So . . . what?

"Would you love me if I were James Bond? Because you know, there's been talk."

Well, here’s a clue. In the production notes on the movie’s website, producer John Calley describes Closer as “immensely romantic.” Except it’s totally not. It’s sexual, though even that is mostly talk and the talk is mostly meant to hurt and punish. But romantic?

Okay, fine. I really wasn’t expecting a tale of true love. What else you got?

Executive Producer Celia Costas says, “It’s a hopeful piece in that the characters come to terms with themselves and change in very interesting ways. They learn something.” Hmmm. Well, maybe one of them learns a bitter lesson by the end. The rest seem to me to keep doing exactly what they’ve done throughout the movie, for better or for worse.

Well, I can live with that. We all know people who’ll take any catalyst for personal growth, look at it curiously, and flush it down the toilet.

"Listen, I didn't want you in Cold Mountain, I don't want you now. Get over it."

What troubles me is the disconnect between the movie these folks thought they were making and the one I saw. Watching it, I had the sense that writer Patrick Marber (who adapted his own play) and director Mike Nichols thought they were making a movie about people falling in love and hurting each other, but all I saw was the hurting each other. Each scene leaps forward months or years and suddenly characters are married or splitting up or in the throes of an affair that we didn’t see progress. Every scene is a turning point, which provides plenty of opportunity for conflict and juicy dialogue, but not so much in the way of context. We keep hearing that characters are in love, but we only see the relationships from the very edges and so the whole thing feels disjointed, distancing and random. Honestly, I’ve never seen so much sexual tension spring up out of nowhere. Must be something about London.

Director Mike Nichols also made Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf, and if you think that’s a love story for the ages then maybe Closer is for you. Oddly, since Nichols is known for comedy, I think he missed the humor in that piece and I suspect the same is true for Closer. I’ve heard the play described as a comedy- drama. There are some funny moments in the film but overall I would describe it as a straight drama. Shame, since humor may have humanized the proceedings.

Closer does have its good points, including strong performances by Law, Owen and Portman. Roberts is a little icy for my taste, which is part of the point of the character I know, but since she had no chemistry with either of her leading men I was left wondering why they were both so intent on keeping her. And it’s a conversation piece, which is fun. But once I’d chewed the whole movie over, I was forced to conclude that it wasn’t all that satisfying.

Gorilla Pants rating: 1.5 out of 4 bananas