"That Mace Windu is one bad mother--" "Shut your mouth!" "I'm just talkin' 'bout Mace."

I'm loyal. (At least when it comes to entertainment. Friends and relations? I'll drop 'em in a heartbeat.) I watched The X-Files until the bitter end. (And when I say bitter, I'm talking about me.) I've seen every Star Trek movie on the night it opened. I've watched Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me multiple times. So you see, if something has captured my imagination, I tolerate its lapses. But sometimes it's hard. Sadly, that's the case with the latest movie in the Star Wars saga, Star Wars: Episode II — Attack of the Clones. (And by the way, didn't you like it better when they just used one title at a time?).

Do I have to tell you what the movie's about? Okay, briefly: Anakin Skywalker, the kid from the last movie, is now a young man, and an accomplished Jedi-in-training, apprentice to Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor). Queen Padme Amidala is now a Senator. Somebody wants her dead, so the buddy-cop team of Skywalker & Kenobi is assigned by the Jedi Council to protect her. Anakin, still nursing his childhood crush on the Queenator, proves himself to be headstrong and arrogant. Padme: wise, yet girlish. Obi-Wan: kinda stodgy. There's some chasing, some hiding, some investigating, eventually some fighting. Plots are exposed, traps fallen into. I don't know, whatever.

I wonder if the designs for the Tie Fighters in the "later" movies is based on Amidala's hair.

I had a number of different reactions while watching this movie. More or less in order, they were: curiosity, hope, amusement, annoyance, boredom, impatience, interest, excitement, enthusiasm, satisfaction, confusion, disappointment, acceptance.

I blame George Lucas. (Why shouldn't I? Everybody else does.) And that's hard for me, because . . . well, because he's George Lucas, for crying out loud, the guy who made Star Wars, THE movie of my childhood. A movie with heart and passion, heroes and villains, characters I cared about. 25 years later he gives us The Tale of the Whiny Jedi and the Queen of Costume Changes. Their love story, I'm sorry, is just so tedious, filled with the most banal, woodenly delivered dialogue.

Then there's the political intrigue. Someone claiming to be a representative of the Jedi Council has commissioned a Clone Army. The thing is, see, the Council knows nothing about it. So who’s behind it? That’s what Obi-Wan Kenobi is trying to find out. I was grateful for this plot. It gave Kenobi something to do, which is great because as far as I’m concerned, Ewan McGregor was the best thing in this movie. (Well, him and Yoda, but I’ll get to the little green guy in a minute.) I was interested in this storyline until it kinda stopped making sense to me.

Call me overly cautious, but I think a flying car without a roof is just plain bad engineering.

And speaking of things that make no sense, I have to say a word about Lucas’ irritating habit of throwing characters on the screen without a word of explanation as to who they are. There was Jimmy Smits, hanging out with the other politicians, and I didn’t even know his character’s name until I read it in the credits. I’m sure I can go to any one of a thousand fan sites and read a detailed history of the character’s life and family, but that doesn’t excuse the filmmakers from throwing a bone to those of us who merely want to watch the movie.

So what works? As I mentioned, there’s Ewan McGregor. His performance shows Kenobi’s growth from the last film’s impetuous apprentice Jedi to a more assured, responsible master, with shades of the wise, unflappable Alec Guinness to come. And there are some stylish action scenes, especially in the last 40 minutes or so. This final act is truly fantastic, with an exciting arena battle and a light saber duel between Yoda and a bad guy. I would actually pay good money (or at least matinee prices) just to see this scene again. To put it simply, Yoda majorly rocks in this movie.

Even a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Time-Life operators were standing by.

I’ve always been fascinated with Jedi Knights, and so I was excited to hear that we’d see more of them this time around. We did, and the glimpses we had were great. Some of my favorite moments had a small army of Jedi engaged in battle. But the trouble was, they were just moments. I wanted more. The few minutes of screen time devoted to the defenders of the galaxy seemed so paltry compared to the approximately eighteen hours we spend watching Anakin and Padme fall clunkily in love. It just left me hungry for more. And then by the end of the movie, the Jedi themselves have done something that I find so morally reprehensible that I’m not even sure I like them anymore.

So where does that leave me in terms of Star Wars obsession? (Because, you know, it’s all about me.) I have mixed feelings. Most people are saying that Attack of the Clones is better than the last movie, The Phantom Menace, and in some respects I agree. But for me, as flawed as Phantom was, it at least left me excited and curious about the story to come. I couldn’t wait to find out how sweet little Anakin Skywalker grows into big bad Darth Vader. As it turns out, the journey isn’t as interesting as I thought, especially this side trip into Dawson’s Creek. But Obi Wan, Yoda and that gripping final act give me hope for the next movie. Keep your fingers crossed.

Gorilla Pants rating: 2 out of 4 bananas