I never want a job that involves basting another human being. And what do you suppose the plunger's for?

Okay, that's a rather curmudgeonly and not entirely true over-simplification of Tim Burton's fantasy / comedy / tearjerker about a man's quest to unravel the truth behind his father's tall tales. Big Fish has a gentler and slightly more complicated message than that, along with some sweet moments, some laughs and a few delightful images. Mostly what it offers up, though, is a predictable and bland bit of treacle and characters that I couldn't really find a reason to care about.

Ewan McGregor and Albert Finney star as young and old versions of Edward Bloom. Actually, though, Finney is the only one playing Edward. McGregor plays the version of Edward that the old man talks about, in stories featuring witches, giants and all manner of heroics. When given the choice between the plain truth and a colorful fantasy, Edward will tell the fantasy every time, and that's one of the things everybody likes about him.

The last time Steve Buscemi had that many girls around him . . . well, actually, Steve Buscemi's never had that many girls around him.

Everybody, that is, except his son, Will, who rebels against Edward with a "just the facts" approach to life that leads him to a career as a reporter. But now Edward is dying and Will is looking to reconnect while he still can. His way of doing this is by trying to find out who his father really is. Edward can't understand why Will doesn't see that "who he really is" is the man who parachuted behind enemy lines, planted thousands of daffodils to win his wife's heart and wrestled the world's largest catfish. Or at least he's the man who tells stories about that man.

You'd think that Tim Burton could really run with this premise, wouldn't you? The exotic combined with the poignant seems cut out for him with the precision of Edward Scissorhands, and there are times when Big Fish achieves the whimsical touch and genuine emotion that I think Burton was reaching for. A lot of the time, though, it's just kind of dull. It's like he and screenwriter John August (working from Daniel Wallace's novel) think young Edward's adventures are more colorful than they really are. Frankly, I didn't find most of them all that magical or meaningful or even surprising. Everything played out pretty much the way I expected it to, right down to Will's redemption at the end.

You're right, Danny. The hat does make you look taller.

The performances are a mixed bag. Billy Crudup as Will comes off as self-involved and intolerant, a whiny yuppie. McGregor plays young Edward with the same cornpone southern accent he used in Down With Love. There it worked because his character was faking it. Here it's supposed to be his real voice and I found it grating. Jessica Lange displays a lovely complexity in her role as the senior Edward's wife that isn't quite matched by Alison Lohman, playing the character as a young woman. (In Lohman's defense, the role is severely under-written. On the other hand, that didn't stop Lange.) Steve Buscemi, who has a knack for being the best thing in a bad movie, really isn't here. I don't think he brought much to the role, which is unusual for him.

Albert Finney is superb, however. His Edward is the classic modern character of the old-fashioned father butting heads with his more sensitive, enlightened son, a role that's often a recipe for villain. Here it's a much more sympathetic portrayal that never cries out for sympathy. Finney is cagy and subtle, charming but gruff when he needs to be. Nicely done.

I also liked Helena Bonham-Carter. She doesn't have a big role or, honestly, even a very interesting one, but she plays it with such seeming effortlessness. She always feels like a real person, even when she's playing a haggard old witch.

The ending does pack an emotional punch and I'll admit to getting a little weepy. (It's probably time I bow to the inevitable and rename this site bigdrippysap.com.) Sure, you could say that's easy to pull off given the subject matter — dying dad, estranged son. But Burton pulls it off well, with a minimum of schmaltz, and it's one of the few moments of the film that really seems genuine and heartfelt.

Big Fish is a frustrating movie. I wanted to like it, I really did. And I've long considered myself a Tim Burton fan. Maybe that's why it's such a disappointment that this big fish ends up seeming so small.

Since I already made a list of Five Better Tim Burton movies when Planet of the Apes sucked, here's a list of Five Better Movies Featuring the Big Fish cast. Rent one today!

Gorilla Pants rating: 1.5 out of 4 bananas