"No, this is not Young Guns III and if you say that again we'll blow your fool head off."

Bear with me for a moment. If I remember my Brady Bunch correctly — and I think I do — young Bobby Brady went through a phase of hero-worshiping Jesse James. Mike and Carol, not wanting their son to grow up to be a hoodlum like so many child actors before and after him, brought in some old coot to set him straight. According to the coot, Jesse James was a cold-blooded killer, who murdered the coot's entire family during a train robbery. Bobby learned a valuable lesson that day, as did I. The filmmakers behind American Outlaws, however, probably never saw that episode.

American Outlaws is a movie about the James/Younger gang, who, apparently, weren't a bad bunch of guys. They robbed from the rich. They gave to the poor. They hardly killed anyone who didn't deserve it. In fact they were just a bunch of loyal sons of the Confederacy who wanted to live peacefully on their farms. They say so, right there in the movie. Over and over again. But the railroad and the federal government conspired to take away their land, driving them to a life of crime.

You just know the filmmakers wanted Freddie Prinze Jr. and Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Now, I'm not qualified to judge the historical accuracy of this portrayal. For all I know, American Outlaws tells the Jesse James story like it really happened. Somehow, though, I doubt it.

I was so ready to hate this movie. I mean, the TV commercials have been relentless and annoying and gave no indication that there was any sort of a story being told. I'm not a big western fan to begin with, and this didn't exactly look like Unforgiven. And it's not. But you know, though I hate to admit it, I didn't have that bad a time.

Oh, it's a bad movie, don't get me wrong. The acting is painful to watch. The young cast is photogenic but they don't bring much else to the table. Ali Larter is particularly awful as Jesse's love interest, Zerelda Meems. (Hands down winner, though, for my favorite movie character name of the year.) Colin Farrell as Jesse does alright with the action scenes, but doesn't really seem to have figured out his character. When these two get together in a tender courting scene, well, I'm guessing you did a better job in your high school production of Oklahoma. One bright spot, though, is Gabriel Macht, playing Jesse's Shakespeare-quoting brother Frank. He's got a nice, light comic touch and, since he wasn't asked to do much more, it serves him well.

"My boys are home! I haven't been this happy since I hobbled James Caan."

The other thing that weighs this movie down is about half the script. It falls flat when it tries to, oh, tell a story, explain character motivation or show people engaged in any sort of meaningful conversation. Exposition is clumsily handled and the dialogue is obvious and boring, a particular problem when it's read (notice I didn't say "performed") by bad actors.

When the movie is focusing on the gang's exploits, though, there's a humor and style about it that are sort of appealing. I laughed a lot. (Does some of the humor feel a little out of step with the setting and characters? Sure. Whatever.) These scenes actually won me over, marginally, to the movie's side. And in the first battle scene (confusingly staged, by the way) when Jesse comes riding out, shooting with both hands, the reins in his teeth, it has a fun Die Hard quality. (And like in Die Hard, the characters are lucky that everyone who comes after them is a really lousy shot.)

So, should you see it? If you're ready to turn off your brain and not pay too much attention to the boring parts, sure, hit a matinee. (I wouldn't recommend paying full price; you'll feel cheated.) If, however, you're a History Channel addict (I'm looking at you, Andy) then you may want to give it a miss. You'll just get all mad.

Gorilla Pants rating: 1.5 out of 4 bananas